scummycrummyday

Well, I'm still sick.

I bought my Underoath ticket yesterday though, next Wednesday, Zanida and I are trekking upstate to see them and get fucked UP. In a non-alcoholic way of course <3.

My phone is really messed up. It has all of these fucking lines going across the screen and I think its from when I dropped it. But that was over a month ago that I dropped it...seriously? Why wait til now to get all weird? I don't really get it. But I will bring it in to see if there's anything that can be done.

I'm staying home today for obvious reasons, but I am so excited to eat and and eat and EAT. I've lost a lot of weight since I got sick and for once in my life I am looking in the mirror and thinking .... I'm too skinny. Ew.

Hope everyone enjoys their holiday.

Diana, you're a great friend. Thanks for keeping me company today. I feel much better.

I'm afraid by the time this year has ended I'll have to start dying my hair from all the gray that will have crept into it.

My sister is a crazy fucking BITCH. I came home tonight from working an 11 hour shift to find my Wutang poster that I made in 8th grade ripped in half on my floor. This the third really important thing that her stupid child has wrecked since she got here. i called my mom in my room to show her, and immediately my mom went straight to the source and said 'Keep Jalia out of Tranette's room. This is the last time I'm telling you."

This bitch flew off the fucking handle at my mom. Shouting and cursing and flipping out. I couldn't understand it. I can't understand this bitch. I don't get along with my mom. I really don't but I would NEVER do the things that she's done to my mother. NEVER. She's treated my mom like shit ever since she was a child, and ever since she was a child, she's acted like the world, the entire fucking UNIVERSE is against her. You are 37 years old, unemployed, leeching off your mom and sister, and treating everyone like shit in return? Oh no no no, bitch shit ain't going down like that. Not as long as I'm still breathing.

Try me. TRY ME. I will rip you the biggest asshole ever, you'll have to stitch that shit back up. I've had more than I can take, I've done more than I should and I am finished with you. YOu're worse than my fucking father. IMAGINE THAT. My mom doesn't deserve people in her life walking all over her like a fucking doormat and taking advantage. My mom is going to be 65 years old next year, and I'll be damned if she has to keep dealing with people like this.

STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM US.

I want to eat a giant pizza with full toppings and extra fucking cheese. Fuck me.

I hate my parents.

So last night was the WeAreTheUnion show. And to be honest, I missed them so much. I think maybe it's because last night I realized, I miss you guys so much because you're my friends and I never really admitted it to myself. I'm so awkward, it's weird to say or think that a bunch of dudes are 5 people I really care about.

Anyways, Diana came with Zanida and I to long island, and then Val fucking called me to tell me that she's coming too! IT WAS SO GOOD TO SEE HER AGAIN lol. Then Abbie met up with us a little later on, that was her first time seeing them, so you know I"m always stoked to convert people <3 I was so fucking tired all night I really just wanted my bed, so I didn't dance or anything, I more or less went b/c I hadn't seen everyone since May and I honestly needed to get the fuck as far away from my house as possible. I haven't come home before 11 pm all week. Fuck this house.

So yeah, it ruled, I love my girls so much and i love my boys too. I haven't been surrounded by people who make me so incredibly happy in such a long time, I forgot how elating it is. Definitely went to bed with a smile on my face.

And guess what bitches? We're doing it all again tonight. Later.

Not much has happened the past couple of days. I recovered my computer though and managed to save most of my stuff.

Things are still moving along rather slowly with Richard but we're okay. Today is WATU and I can't express how excited I am. I haven't seen those boys since May. I miss them so much. Time to fucking GET DOWN.

Haven't seen Richard since last weekend, barely talked to him. And now I'm only going to spend half of my weekend with him. How does that make sense to anyone? I don't know. But it fucking sucks. I'm not going to worry about this shit anymore, I feel like sometimes I'm the only one that gives a fuck about seeing each other. Whatever.


Last night I met up with Diana after work and we ate dinner and I had some SERIOUS retail therapy. Fuck I went shopping hard. I needed that. It was so much fun, then we went to Coldstone and my got my yearly pumpkin icecream sundae. SO GOOD, FUCK ME. Everything that I got, I needed though, so it's okay. Today I'm gonna work out, do my laundry, get a manicure, then I'm going to curl up with Harry Potter and try to finish as much as I can.

My sister moved in with our friend today.

I can breathe again.

It's becoming pretty obvious that I am going to have to take a stronge role in my niece's life. She is too young to be doing whatever she wants, and having no kind of boundaries or discipline, besides the fact that she's driving me fucking MAD. I had to watch her yesterday while my sister printed out some social security shit at the library, and I took her upstairs to the kiddie section to try and occupy her. Well that was a bad idea, (sad right?) she started yelling and running around, and I tried to read her books, she wouldn't sit down, she tried to push a little girl out of the computer seat that I had to remove her from b/c she was banging on the desk and disturbing people....sigh so finally I took her out of there, didn't even bother to put her in the stroller, then when we got outside, I put her in the stroller, strapped her in, locked the wheels and sat her in front of me and told her to stop. When she kept acting up I looked right in her eyes and told her to shut up. And she did. I'm sorry, but that kid needs to know that she is not anyone's boss. She has to kiss every adult's ass until she's 18. And that's just the way it goes.

I am not going to object to babysitting anymore, because she only plays that bratty bullshit around my sister, because my sister lets her get away with murder. I'm not going to have some kid tearing my room apart and trashing our apartment, and keeping me up til midnight because she has no balls to tell her own kid to sit the fuck down and shut up. Not literally, but she needs to put her foot down. And if she won't do it, I'll fucking put mine down. Shit.

Anyways, thanks to that child, I didn't go to sleep til after midnight last night, I woke up at 4 this morning and thought to myself...i cannot get out of my bed. I just can't. I called out of owrk and slept til 10 am. It felt fucking amazing. But I would not have had to do that, if Jalia had just gone to bed at a decent hour...you know somewhere around 9 pm? Just bullshit, oh hell to the nah, things are going to change around here.

Nothing has improved since last week. Not that I expected it to that fast, I just am tired of clawing my way out of shit. Me and Richard have been at odds constantly and it's taking a toll on me, we tried to talk it out on Sunday, but I am not really going to believe anything he says until he acts on it. All I want is for him to make me a priority too and so far he hasn't been donig that, so all I can do is make other things my priority instead of him 24/7. It hurts, but like I said, I can't keep waiting around.

I'm tired and frustrated and depressed. For the past 6 years nothing in my life has really changed and I just can't deal with it anymore.

My father told my sister to go through my computer and look through all of my shit and see if I wrote anything nasty about him and to come back and tell him. She came and told me what he said.


How can you live with someone day to day and call them your daughter, when you've never done ANYTHING but make her hate her fucking life? You want her to find something about you? Here it is.

The only times I've ever thought about committing suicide, have been when I've thought about YOU. You've made my life a fucking nightmare ever since the day I came out of my mom's stomach. The wrath you constantly wrap around anyone in your vicinity is akin to satan himself. I don't understand how one person can be so fucking evil. I hate you. I HATE YOU. And I will be forced to deal with that knowledge for the rest of my existence.

I don't use my father's neglect and hatred and abuse as an excuse to do stupid things with my life, or have sex with strange men, or have a child of my own, or do drugs and drink alcohol. I may not do any of those things but every single time I sit and think about my dad I burst into tears. I can't carry this burden around any longer. I feel like my heart is dead weight, like it doesn't even have feeling anymore. I am crushed.

The more I try to be strong and get through living here, the harder it becomes. I don't even have the will to take care of myself half of the time.

I used to pray that one day you would change and care about me. Now I just pray to stop hating you, because I can't keep living this way.

And so whether or not I leave this place with Richard, or with my mom and sister, I am leaving. I can't sit around and wait for a fucking miracle anymore.

Goodbye.

Seeing as I've been VERY GOOD and not attended nearly all of the shows I've been dying to go to all year, the next two months are going to be ABSOLUTELY insane. Let's make a list shall we?

November 11, 12-We Are the Union/Shook Ones (Missed WATU SOOO much)
December 2-Underoath, August burns red, Emery
December 7, 8, 9th-New Found Glory

Uh my life kind of fucking RULES outside of this house, and I'd like to keep it that way, thankzzzz.

Also, I told Richard the truth about Anthony last night. He said he wasn't surprised and that it doesn't bother him. But i know it has to a LITTLE, even, because if he hated one of my besties (although he'd have no reason to b/c my friends aren't sluts) I would feel kind of awkward about that. But I can't keep it to myself anymore, he said he could tell before but never said anything. And I guess I REALLY can't keep it to myself lmao. Oh well, the monkey's out of the bag. I'm glad I was honest.

So yeah, I'm goin gto have 1,000 dollars saved by Christmas, to get the fuck out of here. Hopefully Richard will have a job by then because I really REALLY don't want to be here much longer. Ugh.

Been a while since I've updated. My sister is coming tonight....in fact in about two hours she will be here. With her baby. I don't know what to do or think or say, how to act, or how to feel. How to fucking breathe. Yesterday Richard came over and I had a panic attack because it was the last time we were going to be alone until she moves out. I fucking spent the whole night crying and hyperventilating and falling asleep for 20 minutes at a time. I just want to relax.

I guess we will see how this pans out. I hate not being in control of my life. And I haven't been in control of my living situation for the past 5 fucking years. I can't live here anymore and right now I feel like God is practically shoving His foot in my ass to kick me out. I will do this.

I WILL FUCKING DO THIS.

I rejoined the gym and went right after work today. I am tired as fuck but I feel very good and that's all that matters. I for once feel like there aren't enough hours in the day, I love my job and working ten hours a day is no longer a deathwish, I actually enjoy it. I get to see Richard on a semi-regular basis again, all things aside from where I am living are ideal and I am very thankful for that.


I am welcoming my sister with open arms, and I am giving her another chance, I am going to accept her child living with us and I am going to try and be a family with her and her kid because this is my last shot at feeling like I have blood relatives. But if she fucks me over one more time, I give up. And that's all I have to say about that.


Now to move out....

Craig Owens got kicked out of Chiodos. Say what you will about that man, junkie, tyrant, egotistical, sex-crazed asshole...he is fucking talented. Drugs usually aid in that process lmao, as edge as I am, I am not prepared to say that drugs don't sometimes drag the artist out of people. Max Bemis...take notes.

Anyway, I loved chiodos, they always blew me away whenever I went to see them. And if they think they can carry on without someone as fucking charismatic as that dude, they are sadly mistaken. That band is so over.

I got this really nasty cold out of nowhere and had to call out of work today. I am convinced I got sick because they blast the air conditioning all day long as if it's 90 degrees outside when it isn't even 70. Sigh. I just hope I can go back in tomorrow.

9 Months together today. I spent the weekend at his house because I just couldn't take being at home any longer. So after work on Saturday I came home, changed and walked right back to the train station. Hung out with him and his mom at the laundromat and ate a breakfast sandwich for dinner. there are little things here and there that I LOVE about the bronx. Like how you can get a kickass breakfast sandwich at 10 pm, and how they STILL SELL DUNKAROOS. Anyways, we went back to his house and flipped channels until 3 am. It was really nice to relax finally and have peace and quiet and sleep in.

Yesterday we came back to White Plains, he fixed my computer (again) and I got some pictures developed (FINALLY) from my camera. I really need to get on developing those shits so that I can make room. Because I don't feel like buying another card.

Anyways, I know I say it all of the time, but I love Richard so much and whenever he is with me I can feel all of the anger and resentment towards my parents disentigrate. He makes me at peace with myself and really what more could I ever ask for?

My sister is bringing her baby with her. I want to strangle someone.

This week flewwww by.

Aside from family, things are going quite well and I am thankful for that. Everything is never going to be perfect at one time. I was watching the news today about that stupid cunt who accused those 4 guys of gangraping her at Hofstra, who then admitted she was lying. And I found myself getting more and more outraged with each part of the report. First of all, they showed all 4 of the young men's profiles and even talked to them about how they felt about being accused of such an attrocious crime, and it was so sad to watch, then I realized, they didn't even show a PICTURE of the stupid slut that accused them of raping her. And I was like they're all minorities, this is exactly why I never watch the news, because they always put anyone not white in a fucking negative light. I don't know what the race of this young woman was, nor do I particularly care, the only thing I care about is that aren't they supposed to not release names and pictures to the public until someone is either found innocent or guilty? I am highly doubtful that they waited untl the guys were acquitted to release their information to the public. And this wench still walks around unidentified as the lying bitch that she is.

It's just not fair. But that's media for ya.

Here's how I feel lately.

My mom is turning into a mega-bitch ever since I started work. I have to get up super early in the morning and she complains about every SINGLE fucking noise I make. 'STOP RUNNING THAT WATER. TURN OFF THOSE LIGHTS, STOP WALKING. STOP FUCKING BREATHING.' Bitch, if you want me to make money, shut the fuck up and go to bed after 9 pm so that you can stay asleep. Ugh.

She's saying that she's going to start letting Peter out when I wake up because he annoys her. Fine, let him out, but when he gets run over or gets rabies and we have to kill his ass at the vet, don't come crying to me. He just gets excited because someone is awake the same time he is, so he gets really hyper. There's nothing I can do about that. She is acting like a big fucking baby though and I'm getting royally pissed off.

But whatever, fuck my parents. I love my job.