scummycrummyday

I hate my parents.

So last night was the WeAreTheUnion show. And to be honest, I missed them so much. I think maybe it's because last night I realized, I miss you guys so much because you're my friends and I never really admitted it to myself. I'm so awkward, it's weird to say or think that a bunch of dudes are 5 people I really care about.

Anyways, Diana came with Zanida and I to long island, and then Val fucking called me to tell me that she's coming too! IT WAS SO GOOD TO SEE HER AGAIN lol. Then Abbie met up with us a little later on, that was her first time seeing them, so you know I"m always stoked to convert people <3 I was so fucking tired all night I really just wanted my bed, so I didn't dance or anything, I more or less went b/c I hadn't seen everyone since May and I honestly needed to get the fuck as far away from my house as possible. I haven't come home before 11 pm all week. Fuck this house.

So yeah, it ruled, I love my girls so much and i love my boys too. I haven't been surrounded by people who make me so incredibly happy in such a long time, I forgot how elating it is. Definitely went to bed with a smile on my face.

And guess what bitches? We're doing it all again tonight. Later.

Not much has happened the past couple of days. I recovered my computer though and managed to save most of my stuff.

Things are still moving along rather slowly with Richard but we're okay. Today is WATU and I can't express how excited I am. I haven't seen those boys since May. I miss them so much. Time to fucking GET DOWN.

Haven't seen Richard since last weekend, barely talked to him. And now I'm only going to spend half of my weekend with him. How does that make sense to anyone? I don't know. But it fucking sucks. I'm not going to worry about this shit anymore, I feel like sometimes I'm the only one that gives a fuck about seeing each other. Whatever.


Last night I met up with Diana after work and we ate dinner and I had some SERIOUS retail therapy. Fuck I went shopping hard. I needed that. It was so much fun, then we went to Coldstone and my got my yearly pumpkin icecream sundae. SO GOOD, FUCK ME. Everything that I got, I needed though, so it's okay. Today I'm gonna work out, do my laundry, get a manicure, then I'm going to curl up with Harry Potter and try to finish as much as I can.

My sister moved in with our friend today.

I can breathe again.

It's becoming pretty obvious that I am going to have to take a stronge role in my niece's life. She is too young to be doing whatever she wants, and having no kind of boundaries or discipline, besides the fact that she's driving me fucking MAD. I had to watch her yesterday while my sister printed out some social security shit at the library, and I took her upstairs to the kiddie section to try and occupy her. Well that was a bad idea, (sad right?) she started yelling and running around, and I tried to read her books, she wouldn't sit down, she tried to push a little girl out of the computer seat that I had to remove her from b/c she was banging on the desk and disturbing people....sigh so finally I took her out of there, didn't even bother to put her in the stroller, then when we got outside, I put her in the stroller, strapped her in, locked the wheels and sat her in front of me and told her to stop. When she kept acting up I looked right in her eyes and told her to shut up. And she did. I'm sorry, but that kid needs to know that she is not anyone's boss. She has to kiss every adult's ass until she's 18. And that's just the way it goes.

I am not going to object to babysitting anymore, because she only plays that bratty bullshit around my sister, because my sister lets her get away with murder. I'm not going to have some kid tearing my room apart and trashing our apartment, and keeping me up til midnight because she has no balls to tell her own kid to sit the fuck down and shut up. Not literally, but she needs to put her foot down. And if she won't do it, I'll fucking put mine down. Shit.

Anyways, thanks to that child, I didn't go to sleep til after midnight last night, I woke up at 4 this morning and thought to myself...i cannot get out of my bed. I just can't. I called out of owrk and slept til 10 am. It felt fucking amazing. But I would not have had to do that, if Jalia had just gone to bed at a decent hour...you know somewhere around 9 pm? Just bullshit, oh hell to the nah, things are going to change around here.

Nothing has improved since last week. Not that I expected it to that fast, I just am tired of clawing my way out of shit. Me and Richard have been at odds constantly and it's taking a toll on me, we tried to talk it out on Sunday, but I am not really going to believe anything he says until he acts on it. All I want is for him to make me a priority too and so far he hasn't been donig that, so all I can do is make other things my priority instead of him 24/7. It hurts, but like I said, I can't keep waiting around.

I'm tired and frustrated and depressed. For the past 6 years nothing in my life has really changed and I just can't deal with it anymore.

My father told my sister to go through my computer and look through all of my shit and see if I wrote anything nasty about him and to come back and tell him. She came and told me what he said.


How can you live with someone day to day and call them your daughter, when you've never done ANYTHING but make her hate her fucking life? You want her to find something about you? Here it is.

The only times I've ever thought about committing suicide, have been when I've thought about YOU. You've made my life a fucking nightmare ever since the day I came out of my mom's stomach. The wrath you constantly wrap around anyone in your vicinity is akin to satan himself. I don't understand how one person can be so fucking evil. I hate you. I HATE YOU. And I will be forced to deal with that knowledge for the rest of my existence.

I don't use my father's neglect and hatred and abuse as an excuse to do stupid things with my life, or have sex with strange men, or have a child of my own, or do drugs and drink alcohol. I may not do any of those things but every single time I sit and think about my dad I burst into tears. I can't carry this burden around any longer. I feel like my heart is dead weight, like it doesn't even have feeling anymore. I am crushed.

The more I try to be strong and get through living here, the harder it becomes. I don't even have the will to take care of myself half of the time.

I used to pray that one day you would change and care about me. Now I just pray to stop hating you, because I can't keep living this way.

And so whether or not I leave this place with Richard, or with my mom and sister, I am leaving. I can't sit around and wait for a fucking miracle anymore.

Goodbye.

Seeing as I've been VERY GOOD and not attended nearly all of the shows I've been dying to go to all year, the next two months are going to be ABSOLUTELY insane. Let's make a list shall we?

November 11, 12-We Are the Union/Shook Ones (Missed WATU SOOO much)
December 2-Underoath, August burns red, Emery
December 7, 8, 9th-New Found Glory

Uh my life kind of fucking RULES outside of this house, and I'd like to keep it that way, thankzzzz.

Also, I told Richard the truth about Anthony last night. He said he wasn't surprised and that it doesn't bother him. But i know it has to a LITTLE, even, because if he hated one of my besties (although he'd have no reason to b/c my friends aren't sluts) I would feel kind of awkward about that. But I can't keep it to myself anymore, he said he could tell before but never said anything. And I guess I REALLY can't keep it to myself lmao. Oh well, the monkey's out of the bag. I'm glad I was honest.

So yeah, I'm goin gto have 1,000 dollars saved by Christmas, to get the fuck out of here. Hopefully Richard will have a job by then because I really REALLY don't want to be here much longer. Ugh.

Been a while since I've updated. My sister is coming tonight....in fact in about two hours she will be here. With her baby. I don't know what to do or think or say, how to act, or how to feel. How to fucking breathe. Yesterday Richard came over and I had a panic attack because it was the last time we were going to be alone until she moves out. I fucking spent the whole night crying and hyperventilating and falling asleep for 20 minutes at a time. I just want to relax.

I guess we will see how this pans out. I hate not being in control of my life. And I haven't been in control of my living situation for the past 5 fucking years. I can't live here anymore and right now I feel like God is practically shoving His foot in my ass to kick me out. I will do this.

I WILL FUCKING DO THIS.

I rejoined the gym and went right after work today. I am tired as fuck but I feel very good and that's all that matters. I for once feel like there aren't enough hours in the day, I love my job and working ten hours a day is no longer a deathwish, I actually enjoy it. I get to see Richard on a semi-regular basis again, all things aside from where I am living are ideal and I am very thankful for that.


I am welcoming my sister with open arms, and I am giving her another chance, I am going to accept her child living with us and I am going to try and be a family with her and her kid because this is my last shot at feeling like I have blood relatives. But if she fucks me over one more time, I give up. And that's all I have to say about that.


Now to move out....

Craig Owens got kicked out of Chiodos. Say what you will about that man, junkie, tyrant, egotistical, sex-crazed asshole...he is fucking talented. Drugs usually aid in that process lmao, as edge as I am, I am not prepared to say that drugs don't sometimes drag the artist out of people. Max Bemis...take notes.

Anyway, I loved chiodos, they always blew me away whenever I went to see them. And if they think they can carry on without someone as fucking charismatic as that dude, they are sadly mistaken. That band is so over.

I got this really nasty cold out of nowhere and had to call out of work today. I am convinced I got sick because they blast the air conditioning all day long as if it's 90 degrees outside when it isn't even 70. Sigh. I just hope I can go back in tomorrow.

9 Months together today. I spent the weekend at his house because I just couldn't take being at home any longer. So after work on Saturday I came home, changed and walked right back to the train station. Hung out with him and his mom at the laundromat and ate a breakfast sandwich for dinner. there are little things here and there that I LOVE about the bronx. Like how you can get a kickass breakfast sandwich at 10 pm, and how they STILL SELL DUNKAROOS. Anyways, we went back to his house and flipped channels until 3 am. It was really nice to relax finally and have peace and quiet and sleep in.

Yesterday we came back to White Plains, he fixed my computer (again) and I got some pictures developed (FINALLY) from my camera. I really need to get on developing those shits so that I can make room. Because I don't feel like buying another card.

Anyways, I know I say it all of the time, but I love Richard so much and whenever he is with me I can feel all of the anger and resentment towards my parents disentigrate. He makes me at peace with myself and really what more could I ever ask for?

My sister is bringing her baby with her. I want to strangle someone.

This week flewwww by.

Aside from family, things are going quite well and I am thankful for that. Everything is never going to be perfect at one time. I was watching the news today about that stupid cunt who accused those 4 guys of gangraping her at Hofstra, who then admitted she was lying. And I found myself getting more and more outraged with each part of the report. First of all, they showed all 4 of the young men's profiles and even talked to them about how they felt about being accused of such an attrocious crime, and it was so sad to watch, then I realized, they didn't even show a PICTURE of the stupid slut that accused them of raping her. And I was like they're all minorities, this is exactly why I never watch the news, because they always put anyone not white in a fucking negative light. I don't know what the race of this young woman was, nor do I particularly care, the only thing I care about is that aren't they supposed to not release names and pictures to the public until someone is either found innocent or guilty? I am highly doubtful that they waited untl the guys were acquitted to release their information to the public. And this wench still walks around unidentified as the lying bitch that she is.

It's just not fair. But that's media for ya.

Here's how I feel lately.

My mom is turning into a mega-bitch ever since I started work. I have to get up super early in the morning and she complains about every SINGLE fucking noise I make. 'STOP RUNNING THAT WATER. TURN OFF THOSE LIGHTS, STOP WALKING. STOP FUCKING BREATHING.' Bitch, if you want me to make money, shut the fuck up and go to bed after 9 pm so that you can stay asleep. Ugh.

She's saying that she's going to start letting Peter out when I wake up because he annoys her. Fine, let him out, but when he gets run over or gets rabies and we have to kill his ass at the vet, don't come crying to me. He just gets excited because someone is awake the same time he is, so he gets really hyper. There's nothing I can do about that. She is acting like a big fucking baby though and I'm getting royally pissed off.

But whatever, fuck my parents. I love my job.

My sister is moving in with us the first week of October.

I feel like I am falling apart at the fucking seams. I don't know what to do, I want to throw up everything I just ate. My mom just shoved the phone at me and forced me to talk to her, and then she went out so I was forced to finish this fake conversation. I love my sister, don't get me wrong...it's just that she has done so many hurtful things to me and my mom and my other siblings. I don't trust her anymore, I feel like she just uses all of us as a means to an end. And I hold grudges, yes I do, I will openly admit that. Most of the time, I let go of things I get angry about, but I'm just so fed up with my family. I have to figure out a way to get along with her, even if it's not real because I don't want to lose my mind. But at the same time, I can't believe my mom would fucking do this to me, obviously she doesn't care about how I feel about this whole situation.

It's just a nightmare waiting to happen. I'm sick. I have 3 weeks left of my sanity and it just so happens Richard's birthday is in the first week of October, how the fuck am I even going to enjoy it now?

Sometimes I wish I could wake up from living here and this part of my life and have someone pinch me and say 'just kidding!' because I honestly don't understand why I deserve to have such shittastic things happen every single time something good does. I want to sleep forever.

The first week of work ruled. I learned so much, I feel more like I am taking a course, than getting paid to do shit. We hung out a lot, learned how to do everything with the photos, and mail and packaging, editing, and making sure everything gets done in time. I loved it. It's REALLY hard waking up at 4:30, but it's worth it to be some where worth my exhaustion. I like everyone I work with, I don't have to deal with customers, and once I get my ipod, I can listen to it all day while I get my shit done. I am content with my job for once.

In other news, it seems like I will just have to be content not seeing Richard as often as I did when we first started dating. There is always something coming up fucking up our plans and I guess I just have to deal. The honeymoon phase is over and I certainly love him, but it just feels like until we live together, it will continue to be difficult to spend enough time with him. And that kind of makes me sad. Oh well, at least he's there, and I am very thankful for that.

Today Richard took me out and took me to eat and to the movies and shopping and I felt like a princess. I can't wait to start working and do things for him, because this is just too much.

I was on the train when my mom called me and started talking to me like I'm some incompetent child, saying that I need to treat my 'father' with some more respect....the same 'father' you were just cussing and swearing about the day before to me? I'm not a fucking ragdoll you can toss around and cry to when he fucks with you. I don't want to listen. I can't do it anymore. and I am not going to respect someone who has never been a parent to me. I hate him. When I look at him my teeth grind and I have to hold back the tears b/c there is so much hatred pouring into my veins just being in his presence. I am broken and there is no fixing the fucking void he tore into my life by never being there for me. And every day it fucking eats me alive. I haaaaaaaaaaaate living here, and I'm tired of bitching about it, but it just kills me coming home to this shithole, loveless family day after day. And after the excellent, love-filled day I've had I am choking on sobs having to deal with going to sleep in this bed with these people who hate each other and the fucking emptiness that fills this living space.


Richard is the closest thing to family I've ever had and I will never let him go.

Today something happened in Richard's family that consequently ruined the plans we made. I haven't left Westchester in over 2 months. I feel myself dwindling away in this crappy town, with these crappy people I am forced ot cohabitate with, in this crappy, emotionally fucked body. Lately I've been reaching my breaking point with him in the way that I never get to see him. We never leave White Plains. I never even go to his house, which initially I didn't really feel like doing, but now I just want to do anything to get the fuck out of here. I am miserable.

Anyways, I got in a huge fight with my mom yesterday that really hurt me and at the same time, after everything that happened today, made me believe she was right. Am I really my father's daughter in that, I'm really fucking selfish? I have 0 tolerance for alcohol related problems, and because of the chaos it causes in families, when the person abusing that substance faces health issues, I often feel nothing. NOTHING. I only feel for the people that person's inflicted countless amounts of pain, countless amounts of times on. I feel really bad for his family, but at the same time, I feel nothing for the person who chose to ruin his life by holding on to that bottle or smoking that weed. Does that make me heartless? i don't know. But I can't control the automatic rage I feel inside when people do these things to their kids, to their spouses, to their families. I feel like that makes THAT person selfish, not me, for not caring....I don't know its complicated. And hard to explain.

All I know is I can remember my mom BEGGING my uncle to stop drinking. And she told him that if he killed himself doing it, she wouldn't go to his funeral.

He killed himself doing it, and she never went to his funeral.

I am sickened by this whole thing and I haven't got out of bed all day, haven't showered or washed my face. Cried for 5 hours, didn't eat anything. I'm just so angry for so many reasons, and when things like this happen, it overflows into straight up rage.

I'd give anything to calm down.